The toll that tomorrow takes

I believe that I'm different to most people in many respects, I'm a reasonably quiet person, reserved within large groups, my personality is very reflective. Which is perhaps why I'd rather go back in time than know what the future is.

I'm fascinated with the past, one of the reasons behind this is that there are certain moments in my life where I wish I could go back to, as the person I am now, rather than person I was. There are certain moments in my life, especially when I was young, that I wish I had savoured. Moments or events in which I could relive.

There are also many places in my past I wish could revisit.

I miss Christmas time at my infant school, I miss my old bedroom from my childhood, I miss the old video store I used to go to on Friday nights, I miss the old Toys R Us in Wood Green, I miss my old garage where I used to train, I now miss all of my old University accommodation rooms, I miss sitting in Battery Park and staring across the Hudson river, at dusk.

I become attached to certain places, even if I was only there for a short time. It's one of the reasons why I think the setting in a piece of fiction is just as important as the characters, especially in novels.

But revisiting old places (particularly from your youth) is always going to end in disappointment, without the people you first shared those places with, they end up making you feel lonely and distant.

When you are young, you live through moments, you don't realise the importance of simple and often trivial things in life. Which is why we can only remember our childhood through photographic images, for me it is anyway.

Taking a photograph is a special commodity, although we can't go back in time, by taking a photo we can capture it. For that one second, that one moment becomes a memory locked in time.
One of the best examples of this is with this photo album of the London underground, I can't help but look at these photos and wonder where these people are now,

http://www.buzzfeed.com/matthewtucker/retro-pictures-of-the-london-underground-in-the-70s-and-8

But for me looking back at old photographs is a sad experience, I look at those old photos of myself and wonder what that person would think of me as I am now. And I look at the photos thinking, and wonder how has that person grown to become the person for whom I am today.

I have not been very good at getting older, it's not that I am still childish, I just don't think I have made the transition from a carefree teenager to a responsible grown up adult. The world around me seems so narrow. Perhaps it's my punishment for being a deep thinker, but I believe it has more to do with nostalgia.

I think it is only natural for everyone to look back on their past and wish they could relive certain points, change things. Which is why nostalgia is a double edged sword, it's important to reminisce with our past, particularly special moments and places, because they are what become of our memories, and our legacy.

But nostalgia also takes us away from the present, which is the most important of all. If we're locked in our past, it's far easier to take our eye off of the future, and what is immediately in front of us.